The Animal Inside
by C.Watherston
Summary: Songfiction  Animal I have Become by Three Days Grace    Post-Miranda, River Tam wages war on the creature inside of her and is aided by the most unlikely of the crew.


Disclaimer: I do not own content. I am not profiting from this story, which is a work of pure fanfiction. I believe the phrase is 'Joss is boss' 

So this is a fanfiction to the song 'Animal I have become' by Three Days Grace. It is about the relationship I think Jayne Cobb and River Tam would follow after the events of the movie. 

_**I can't escape this hell  
**__**So many times I've tried  
**__**But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**_

**River Tam tossed helplessly, mouth half-opened in a silent scream, her eyes tightly shut with the tears she couldn't help seeping from under the closed lids. Bodies, blood, bullets, machines of torture, that never-ending agony pressing her brain, the insanity. It all boiled around in her mind, and she was thrown by the hurricane of her own thoughts and memories, helpless. It hurt all over. Every place the white coated men had ever touched her, ever hurt her, burned until she finally screamed. **

**Sound tore through her and she couldn't breath. Her ears hurt, and then somebody grabbed her arms, shaking her. **

"**Riv! River! Hey, Crazy, come on now, you're alright, you're ok now" **

**Her eyes flew open and for a moment, in full consciousness, she was still there, in the chair, and the man holding her was cutting into her, making her forget or remember things that weren't hers to remember. Flipping herself away, she swung one barefoot towards the evil man's face and landed smoothly, striking out again. They could hurt her, but they couldn't tame her! They wouldn't tame her! They wanted to turn her into a weapon, she would turn on them and use the very same creature against them! He leapt at her and pinned her against the wall. She struggled again, half free but unseeing, those images skating across her vision still; Miranda, the Academy, the Alliance and the things they didn't want her to know. Strong arms, strength and power wrapped in muscle and bone, fought with her, but never struck back, never hurt her more than it hurt her to slam against the cage of his arms. **

"**No! No, no, no, NOO-" **

"**River Tam!" he shouted. **

**Suddenly, she was awake. Blindly, gasping for air that wouldn't stay in her lungs, she stared at Jayne for a long moment, a blank moment that she couldn't feel the tears tumbling down her cheeks, couldn't feel the bruises he had put on her arms as he tore her from that terrible place. ****Gently, more so than she had ever thought him capable of, he brushed a strand of hair back from where cold sweat had plastered it to her face. **

"**I gotcha, Crazy. I gotcha" he whispered. **

_**So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal, this animal...**_

**He had seen her on the other side of the blast doors at Miranda, dripping with Reaver blood. He'd seen her in all her lethal glory when she lost her mind at the Maidenhead. He'd seen her in the hold of ****Serenity ****holding the gun she thought was a pretty branch. He hadn't seen her till it was too late when she came at him with that knife. This was a man who had seen her at her worst and best and craziest. Yet here he was, standing beside her, holding her bloody face in his hands. **

"**River, you gotta come back to me girl. You ok?" **

**Breathing hard from exertion, River looked around at the bank vault. Groaning men lay about, scattered like a fickle child's toys. She remembered almost every move she had made to put them there. None of them were dead, even the ones she had shot. They would all survive, and the only serious wound would be their pride. After all, it wasn't a grand hero story; getting dropped by a ninety-pound girl. She breathed a sigh of relief and looked into his dark brown eyes. **

"**I'm ok. I'm River Tam the girl" **

**He glanced left and right, then kissed her forehead quickly. **

"**I know who ya are, Riv. I'm just making sure y'all ain't gunna drop me like ya dropped them **_**hwoon dun**_**s" **

**She smiled. He grinned back, turned and scooped up good old reliably Vera. She followed him out, where Mal and Zoe were loading the mule. With one arm still holding Vera, Jayne hooked her waist and raised her up into the mule. **

_**I can't escape myself  
So many times I've lied  
But there's still rage inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**_

"**I'm fine, Simon. I don't need the medicine tonight" **

**She'd said it calmly, and even managed to smile. She knew she was lying. She knew she wasn't ok. So she futilely locked the door and hoped she didn't kill anyone tonight as she fought with the demons. **

**They'd seen Purple Bellies today as they picked up cargo. They'd marched by and she'd watched them as the creature inside her roared for blood. So easy, so simple. So quick. Half of them wouldn't even know what had hit them. So she'd stood and planned every movement that would deal with the Alliance soldiers. A broken neck, break the nose so that bone splinters drove into his brain, crush the solar plexus and shatter his ribcage…**

**Then the hand on her arm and the voice. **

"**Ain't worth it, 'Tross" said Captain Daddy. Jayne, his hand out of Mal's line of sight, rubbed her skin with his thumb. She took a deep breath. **

"**I'm fine. Lets go" she said softly. **

**She met Jayne's gaze. ****He knew. She knew that he knew. **

**They walked on. **

**Now she sat in the corner of her room, sweat making her hair damp, eyes wide, battling the madness and the rage and the fear. The emotions swamped her, and she couldn't control them. They slammed into her, one after the other and she was drowning. Soon, the salty water turned into blood and falling into sleep. Laying down and sleeping. **

"**No. No, no, no. Don't sleep, don't sleep. Make me a stone, make me a stone. Two by two, hands of blue, and they're not sleeping. Not sleeping. Bullet for the river, and the river is deep and mad. Its mad, its mad and its broken" **

**The door in her new crew quarters opened and with a thud, Jayne slid down the ladder. He paused there and frowned at her empty bed. Then he saw her in the corner and swore softly. One hand instinctively straying to his belt, he stepped out from behind the ladder. **

"**River-girl?" he said softly. **

"**Two by two and the magic stick squeals like a crying Felis catus and then the bloody tears, and out their mouth. Eyes and ears and mouth and nose!" she broke into a sing-song and began to sob helplessly. **

**He smelled like gunpowder and man's sweat and steel as he held her. With both her hands fisted in her shirt so she didn't hurt him, River cried. Jayne held her. **

_**So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become**_

**It was the first time in a long time she had pulled a gun on anyone in the crew. Jayne stood and let it happen. Kaylee began to scream, then cut herself off, gasping shrilly. Inara reached forward and pulled her back. Mal had his hand on his gun. Zoe levelled her pistol on a spot in River's shoulder. **

**She'd been sitting at the table, across from Jayne, his collection of arms spread across the table top. He was teaching her how to clean them, take them apart and put them back together. When he got up and walked into the kitchen to get something to eat, River worked quietly by herself. At the end of the table, Mal was doing paperwork and Zoe sat with Kaylee and Inara playing cards down on the couches. River was smiling a little, happy, sanely content for the first time that Mal had ever seen. She corrected a piece of his mental maths from across the table and poked her tongue out at his glare. **

**Suddenly, she looked down at Lucinda, laying in her palm, and froze. Her face changed rapidly and nobody saw. Now until she put it down carefully and stood up. **

"**Hey 'Tross-" Mal began. **

**She picked up little Tracie, slammed a mag in and swung, placing it firmly on Jayne's chest as he turned to face the table again. Around her, everyone moved at once. **

"**River!" "No, River, put it down!" "Put the gun down, River!" **

**Everyone was shouting. She drowned it out, all her focus only on Jayne. **

"**Nobody touches your guns" **

**For a man who was about to die, Jayne was damn calm. He cocked his head a little to the side, palms facing her in his empty hands, and replied; "Well that ain't 'tirely true" **

**River was shaking and swallowed hard. **

"**You don't let anyone touch your guns why am I cleaning them?" she gasped. **

**A one-shouldered shrug. **

"**Coz you're my partner, Crazy. Only times like this that makes me wonder why the hell I'd gone and done sommant that dumb" **

**Her finger was struggling on the trigger. They held each others gaze stubbornly, neither willing to give up and look away. **

"**There's a part of me…there's parts of me…that will always want to kill you" she forced out. Jayne nodded. **

"**Hell, girl, I prob'ly know that bett'rn anyone" **

**A quiver went through her. **

"**Can't get rid of it. Can't…he can't tame it" she whispered. **

**His jaw tightened obstinately. **

"**Yeah, well, watch me try" **

**Slowly, as the first hot tear broke out of her iron control and trickled down her tight jaw line, she lowered the gun. Nobody moved still. Jayne and River stayed locked in a combative staring contest until River slowly reached out sideways and placed Tracie gently on the tabletop. Around the room, everyone heaved a sigh of relief. Outwardly, nothing changed between Jayne and River. They were still tensly staring one another down, motionless. **

**Her face still immobile, River's shoulder began to shake. Then, the shallow, heaving gasps she was trying to breath forced her to open her mouth and her stance sagged as she leaned her hip on the table and clapped both hands over her mouth. Tiny, soft whimpers emerged muffled from behind them. ****Suddenly, Jayne was there. He caught her up and held her as she caught her breath. With both her arms around his neck, River leaned into him and to everyone's surprise, he let her. What's more, he kissed her hair sweetly. **

"**Can't save her, man-with-girls-name" she sniffed. He grunted. **

"**Don't have ta. Part of ye, ain't it? An' if it's a part of ya, I'll take it-" he pulled back to meet her gaze at arms length. **

"**Coz its different, ain't it? River the girl; she's my Crazy an' the Cap'n's 'Tross an' the doc's **_**mei-mei **_**an' Kaylee's playmate anna dancer too. River the weapon; she's jailbait an' a killer outright, but she don't got no place in River-girl's life" **

_**Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal  
Somebody help me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself  
Somebody wake me from this nightmare  
I can't escape this hell**_

**She still had episodes; night terrors so strong the whole ship was awake and blackouts during the day where the ghosts and nightmare's monsters swamped her and took her over. Sometimes the future was so strong and her uncontrollable emotions made her want to explode. **

**The days that she was trapped, he pulled her out. The days that she was riddled with the visions, the side-effects of her medications, the times out at a job when the River-weapon threatened to take over, it was him who put his neck on the line to save her. **

_**This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal, this animal  
So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become**_

**He'd looked into the darkest, blackest parts of her and seen something good, something he could hold, live with, work with and come to love. **

**He may have seen the animal, tried to help her control it, but he knew he'd never change it, never tame it completely, never kill it or make it sleep. He learned to live with the two parts of River, and then he'd learned to love and accept the girl and the weapon respectively. **

_**Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!**_

**Jayne reached out in the middle of the night and found her hand. In the musky darkness of his bunk, he held her and she remembered. **

**She was River Tam the girl; Jayne's Crazy-girl, the Captain's 'Tross, Kaylee's playmate, Simon's little **_**mei-mei**_**, Inara's secret project, Zoe's comrade, source of constant amusement to Wash, and a beloved lost cause to Sheppard Book. **


End file.
